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| Well, it sort of seems as though I should finish what I started; but it's kind of hard. If this were a discussion, it would be the equivalent to presenting a question to a large group and having 20 people respond. The conversation could go in about 15 different directions. Also, since I like to hash and hash in order to make sense of my thoughts, I'm not at the place of conclusion, yet.
There were so many great thoughts left in the comments section. Each time I found another comment, it was like unwrapping a gift. I'd like to quote a few things that stood out to me:
- I think the desire to be beautiful is a desire that God has placed in us as a woman. I also believe that if we focus too much on outer beauty we lose something of our inner beauty.
- Maybe it's not the beauty we are scared of so much, as the desire to be beautiful?
- "There are two things that pierce the soul. One is beauty. The other is pain." -by Simone Wells.
- So... Who defines what gets to wear the label "beautiful"? And why have we absorbed what "they" all think, to the point of rejecting our husbands, tossing out the true, loving words spoken from his heart?
- I think EVERY female young and old has struggled with this desire " I want to be physically beautiful".
- It's unfortunate but true that this issue affects us all, but perhaps more deeply it affects those of us whose fathers didn't know to validate our unique beauty and thereby to mirror our Heavenly Father's approval of our beauty...
This quote from a comment really caught my attention: "Is it OK, for a woman who loves Jesus, to pursue physical beauty?"
I would really, really like to hear your thoughts on this!! I think we would all, say yes to some degree. It would be so interesting to hear a statement from 50 different women of all ages. I'm guessing we'd hear some things such as--
"I think it's okay to shower and have good hygiene, but not to use makeup."
"I think it's okay to lay out, but not to go to a tanning salon."
"I think it's okay to pull a few stray white hair, but not to dye my hair."
What would you say? (I know the examples are all conservative.)
I also asked my friend Marie if she would respond to my post. She has a gift of discerning the heart of an issue and putting it into words that make me want to grow:
Beauty, Femininity… and me?
I loved the title. How can beauty and femininity fit me? Beauty and femininity are words that we put in boxes, and yet each of us have our own definitions of what that box is and it is not me.
Christy wanted me to respond to her blog – here goes. Know that I am not a whole book reader. I cannot remember titles, much less authors. I don’t pick up the hot book on the market. When a book is making its round, I react and let it settle down and then about 2-3 years later I will read the chapters that I want to read. Living at Faith Builders gives me a community that has made me think and analyze just about everything. I get in on all kinds of discussions like these. At times I get weary of getting all these things defined. I am a country girl, let’s live.
I wonder at times what people see when they see me. I know what goes on deep inside of me and at times there is a boiling pot steaming under this skin of mine. With a conscious effort I can ask my Heavenly Father “show me how to love” and I depend on that. I so badly want people to be attracted to the Jesus that is alive within me. But can they?
Here are a few of my reflections on the subject. Know that I live in a conservative world, and so my perspective is from that stand point and how I have dealt with personally on issues of beauty. Why I resent the word femininity: - I am of German stock, I have facial hair. A truly feminine woman doesn’t have facial hair, right? The hard human side of me says, “Facts are facts, femininity and my name should not be used in the same sentence.”
- I am short. Feminine woman can cross their legs and have it dangling so perfectly and the truly feminine woman can take her leg that is crossed and clasp it around the ankle of the leg that is not crossed.
- I am impulsive. I don’t know what I do or say until I am doing or saying it.
- It feels like the Victorian age. It intrigues me because of the high discipline it called for, but imagine a under 5 foot woman dressed in a hoop. I couldn’t sit/stand still that long.
Why the word beauty makes my throat go in knots. - I can paint my walls, don’t have a clue how to decorate them
- If I see a picture of how something is done then maybe I can put it together!
- On clothes I am constantly asking Brandon, “does this go” He is so much better at it then I am – even though I buy most of his and my clothes. See what a mess we are?
I tend more towards the words rest and respect. When I am a woman of rest I am: - Actively talking to God about my day.
- “I have no idea how I am to do this”
- “God show me how to love my child, he’s not doing well”
- I tell God what I don’t like
- There are times I need to sew a dress and I am all in a stew about the whole idea of needing to sew a cape dress. I cry and tell God how unfair it is and that it would be so much easier to go buy something etc. God meets me and when I see that dress in my closet, it’s my altar where I met God. If someone compliments me on my dress, J it’s me and my Heavenly Father’s secret.
- The biggest call to being a woman of rest is this:
It’s true feminine beauty merged with absolute abandonment to Jesus Christ. It’s the sparkling vibrant, world-altering Christ-like version of femininity that your King created you to exude.
- This is not about doing your own thing it is about accepting your life situation right where you are and becoming proactive with God.
- He wants to hear from you what frustrates you in being a mom, wife, church member, community person, family member, etc.
- Jesus wants to redeem all of these in and through us. It’s risky business.
- Able to forgive myself. (this is a biggy)
Living in reaction is a subtle tool to keep us from living who God created us to be. Is our issue with beauty because we were never affirmed? Will our children not need to deal with beauty if we as parents tell them all the time how beautiful they are? I really think even then it will still be an issue. Maybe we will end up having arrogance instead of insecurities.
We react when we have not faced our personal losses. Admitting our personal losses to our Heavenly Father heals and redeems. He will give us ideas on how to equip our children. We react when things have been forced upon us that we see no sense of applying it today.
For me the word respect should always be combined with the subject of beauty and femininity. Respect requires humility and most of all submission. When we are women of humility and submission (not in the passive form) then we will be women of beauty and femininity and most of all women of purpose.
May God show us how to live each day fully alive in His presence!
I'm coming to believe the bigger problem is not that my perception of beauty is distorted, but that I have difficulty reconciling the gap in what I perceive as beauty and how I view(or how well I accept) myself. It is true that beauty is defined in unique ways by various cultures and even each person within that culture.
It is also true that inner beauty so influences outer beauty that it is sometimes hard to separate the two. Yes, inner beauty makes some women with less physical beauty seem to be very beautiful even in a physical sense. Yet, somehow this does not completely answer the question. For example, there are women who are absolute gold on the inside, but they don't keep up their outer appearance at all. They still don't really strike me as beautiful [physically]. Then there are women who are just plain gorgeous even if their hearts are not. One pretty girl I know has a smile that seems to say, "I know I'm pretty; don't you think so, too?" As unattractive as that may seem, I can't stop myself from admiring her beauty every time I see her. These two examples and a few random conversations this week led me to a few conclusions--
--The more beauty a woman has as a young person, the more difficult it will be for her to accept the aging process and the loss of her youthful beauty.
--Each of us has some physical design that seems unattractive to us. What are we going to do about that? I think this is where inner beauty overrides physical flaws. Can I come to a place of living above that, or will I spend a lot of time worrying about it and being self-conscious, trying to cover it, mentioning it to other people so they feel obligated to reassure us it is not true [ ], or complaining?
--All of us are physically beautiful to some degree/in some way. I think it honors God when we accept and embrace that fact. He created us. Uniquely. Beautiful.
Thank you so much for hearing me out and sharing your thoughts. You know what? Even though I haven't lost a pound or wrinkle or white hair or pimple or mole, I feel much more beautiful this week than last. Interesting.
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| Last weekend I was combing my hair, and thinking that hotels really are something of a reality check for me. The fluorescent lighting is not flattering for skin tones, all the blemishes and wrinkles seem magnified, and somehow I always find another white hair--not to mention all those full length mirrors don’t lie (though I wish they did). I was having this beauty crisis when we went over to Barnes and Noble where I picked up Set-Apart Femininity by Leslie Ludy. Did I ever find soul-food.
The whole subject of femininity is something I’ve been thinking about off and on the last year. For years I shied away from the word because it sounded prissy to me. I’m not a lace and tea party kind of girl. Even super-soft voices or supreme sweetness get to me after awhile. Let’s be REAL. You know? On the other hand, I do appreciate graciousness,. There is nothing beautiful about a woman who is sloppy or always loud or unmannerly. For some reason, I saw the two extremes as the options.
In the last couple years, I’ve started seeing another example. I’ve gotten to know a girl who has such grace, but her style is a lot like mine. She likes funky colors. She wears square heels much more than pointy. She would be more likely to serve foods on chunky ceramics than fine china. She’d go for polka dots or stripes over floral, but she doesn’t shun everything pink or soft or ruffled or…well, feminine. She is somehow modern and feminine all in one. I like it a lot.
While I was talking with an older lady about aging she said, “You know, there are women who are so beautiful because of who they are in Jesus . They have become so much like Him, that when you look at them you really see Him. I don’t even notice that they have wrinkles. (And even their wrinkles are different because they come from smiling instead of wrinkles from an uptight expression.)” Whenever I hear that, I know it’s all so true! Yet, I also feel the tug of wanting to be an attractive person.
--You know how sometimes you meet someone and her looks really aren’t outstanding. Then you get to know her and you start seeing her as a very, very beautiful person?
--Or at first you think she’s so beautiful. Later you notice that it’s not her features, but who she is…her radiance, her personality?
--Or when you’re with her, you always think she is so pretty. When you see a picture of her, you’re surprised that she’s not actually that stunning. (On the other hand, you see a picture and think she’s beautiful. In real life her demeanor and spirit negate the beauty you thought was there.)
--Other women are just plain beautiful in a way that strikes you the minute you see them. They‘re 100% pretty.
We so often hear that it’s what is inside that really matters (and it is); but I think we all feel the desire to be the kind of beauty you recognize immediately--not just once you’ve learned to know us. We often feel we don’t measure up. In Set-Apart Femininity Ludy says, Such is the dilemma of all too many Christian young women today. We are told to appreciate our own unique beauty and accept ourselves for who we are. Meanwhile, we are constantly assaulted by a world that insists we aren’t alluring enough--that we need to change our bodies, our clothes, and our personalities in order to be more appealing. Why don’t we see ourselves as beautiful? Is it our perceptions? Is it only that the world has influenced our view of beauty?
And later the definition for femininity: Set-apart femininity blends the classic womanly grace and dignity of an Audrey Hepburn with the sacrificial, poured-out-for Christ lifestyle of an Amy Carmichael. It’s true feminine beauty merged with absolute abandonment to Jesus Christ. It’s the sparkling vibrant, world-altering Christ-like version of femininity that your King created you to exude.
I don’t think these two quotes alone nearly give a good representation of the book. Still, while I gobbled up each word I read, and knew it was all so good, my question remains. What about physical beauty? No, we shouldn’t measure our beauty by the world’s standards. Yes, each of us has a unique beauty. Yes, each of us is beautiful just as God created us. Yes, there will always be someone else who we think is so much prettier and makes us feel unattractive in comparison. No, we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. Why, then, do we so desperately want it?
I’m also trying to make sense of how this applies to women in general and how it’s different for me coming from my conservative Mennonite background. In the community where I grew up, people didn’t talk about looks. On my wedding day, someone told me, “You look beautiful, Christy….but every bride is beautiful.” 
Okay, I know this is very much a ramble and disorganized and sort of about femininity and sort of about beauty and has no definite direction or conclusion….but if you have made any sense out of it, I really want to hear what you’re thinking. What do you think about beauty? Do we over-emphasize it? And mainly, is there any importance there? (And don’t be afraid to disagree with me. I’m not afraid of debate.)
[A little more about the book: I didn’t write this down, so I can’t quote, but one of my favorite lines from the book was on sacrificing. She was talking about a missionaries who gave everything--bicycle, food…everything they had to people who had less than them. That is sacrifice. Yet we feel good about ourselves if we do a short-term missions trip with our favorite magazine, ipod, and cell phone in tow. This whole book is about living a radical Christian life. She expresses my ideals….the ones I’ve kind of forgotten about while I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with normal life.
I wish I would have taken notes on another part--it‘s not on physical beauty, but that inner beauty. It has been bothering me when I hear it, so I guess that‘s why I just loved reading it in a book--Many contemporary Christian books and conferences are teaching women to reconnect with the beauty within them. But really, there is nothing beautiful that is of ourselves. Any beauty in us is because of God; searching within ourselves for real beauty is futile.]
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| Pictures of our life---
Ian has discovered his toes and also his voice. Right now he's telling a story in a deep guttural grunts. He's so pleased with himself--much like a man who's enjoying his bass morning voice.
 
 
important moments--
[The first time Zachary said, "Mommy, take a picture of me."]
[Zachary's first portraiture]
This past weekend we got to leave on a mini-vacation. Someone had booked a hotel then had something else come up. Instead of canceling their reservation, in a grand case of generosity let us benefit instead!!! They told Steve he deserved a vacation after all the long hours he'd been putting in at school. We thoroughly enjoyed every minute!!! The mountains aren't where we would normally plan our vacations, so it was kind of neat to do something different from the norm. It was thoroughly relaxing and by the time we came back the tired yawns and shoulder knots were replaced with contented sighs.
We visited a train museum:
The details were amazing and intriguing. The traffic lights even changed colors.
Drove around on the Blue Ridge Parkway:
 
Zachary was explaining the definition of a valley to Teddy II. He was SURE that these mountains were close to Grammie and Grandpa's house. It did look a lot like Virginia.
  
The leaves were a week or two past their peak, but still very pretty.
--charmed--
While his window was down, a leaf floated in.
Swam, relaxed, hung out at Barnes and Noble, drank coffee, ate good food, played in the leaves and other nice things like that:
 
A rainy day + a 3 year old boy + canvas sneakers--not my brainiest moment.
 
We're still smiling. | | |
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- When he leaves for work long before the sun rises, and when Saturdays and evenings mean time at school or algebra textbooks to study and tests to grade, I hope you realize how blessed you are to have a dedicated teacher.
- While I bathe the boys and pack the bag each night so that we can be ready to go out the door as soon as Steve gets home and showers, I hope you are grateful for the extra hours he spends tutoring your child after school.
- When I listen to hours of talk about football, debates, and ideas, I hope you value a teacher who relates with your child on his level.
- When our evening discussions center around problem-solving, teaching strategies, and behavior modification, I hope you appreciate how much energy is poured into many levels of your child’s growth.
- When my husband comes home exhausted physically and emotionally with less stamina for dealing with an emotional wife and an energetic son, I really, really hope you appreciate how much of his life is given to your teenager.
- When we cut social events short or skip them altogether, I hope you recognize the cheerful and calm atmosphere in the classroom.
- When I stay at home with the boys during board meetings and teacher-parent interactions, have supper interrupted with a phone call about assignments, wait after church while you discuss progress, or get our family ready in time to arrive early for events, I hope you appreciate the wisdom and dedication that is being channeled.
- When our shopping trips include stops at the library, Dick’s Sporting Goods, and the teacher supply store, and when extra time is spent picking up trash, dust mopping the gym, and cleaning up after the last group to use the school house, I hope you care that the small details have been well attended to.
- When you wonder if you're making any progress, I hope you also know that your student has another adult who loves him and prays for him.
I really can't even write this without saying that we've been terribly spoiled by the parents of Steve's students. I know they do appreciate the work he does...of, course we always love to hear those words.
This week Steve's dad is having revival meetings at Cold Springs. Both of his parents are here. They're actually staying at a guest house just down the road since we don't have a second bed. But we've been together some throughout the week. We've been lucky enough to be invited for meals with them, so I've gotten a week nearly free from cooking! Zachary LOVES having them around and also likes the tour of toys. He's always excited about finding out what toys the next house has. :)
This week has been pretty exhausting. It's the last week of the quarter at school and Steve has been putting in l-o-n-g days. He gets home and showers and we leave for supper. He's been at all the meetings except for last night's. Several girls from our church offered to babysit children 3 years old and younger during the services. It has been a lifesaver for us. Zachary has been too excited to sleep some days, and he is often red-eyed and hyper. I'm just so glad we don't have to keep him quiet during church, yet.
Gotta run...
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| Crazy, insane schedule this week....Having lots of thoughts about being genuine, filling our void for Jesus with other things, and self discipline. By the time I have time to blog about any of them, the thoughts will be probably have become lost....Restoring order in an ignored house and lnaudry room...Hoping that Zachary will break his bad cycle of not napping. He made it five, yes, FIVE days in a row with keeping himself awake during naptime....Trying to think what I should make for the fellowship dinner on Sunday....Happy that Ian is not vomiting anymore and is gaining weight...This is the kind of angel baby he is...
Okay, deep breath...off I run again.
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